"I'm passionately indifferent towards You."

My One True Love's eyes are pretty much okay

And just "alright" are my Lover's words to hear

If there be a scale from one to ten

to measure my love for my Lover, it'd be whatever.

I see my Lover's glorious being and infinite worth,

but my heart beat stays the same- I'm indifferent;

I neither love my Lover nor hate my Lover, I really just don't care.

When my Lover beautifully calls out to me, I apathetically stay unaware.

To have my Lover or to not have my Lover, both are equivalent.

On my to do list, "spending time with my Lover" is not the first.

I'm indifferent to my Lover which is fine altogether

and altogether fine I am to stay this content;

for if I were to ever lose my Lover, I would not shed a tear.

Because oh my Dear, I have tons of "lesser lovers" anyways.

Dear God,

I don't want to ever be indifferent towards You, but I confess that in my frames of life there are times when I whorrebly am. Therefore I plead and push that You'd pour Your sweet grace upon me. May my appetite for You not grow apathetic. Whatever it takes and whatever it cost for me not to be numb or to ignore/forget the lostness of souls in light of eternity, the satisfying goodness of Your Glory, and the gloriously life changing truth of the Gospel. Here I am, You are my One True Love, other lovers I will not settle for.

In sweet disposition for the glory of God and the final salvation of the many,

J.P. Fisher

FIREWORKS vs. BLACK HOLES
Whenever I run about(Patrick lingo for ministering/gospelizing/loving upon) there are the lovable, the harder to love, and the unlovable. I see it like this, some people are like FIREWORKS because when you love upon boom sha ka la ka instant joy in the sky and to continue loving upon them is almost effortless. Then there are those who are like digging for treasure in a range between soft soil and hard cement, it takes more work, some blood, sweat, and tears, but at the end of it all there is still that joy and satisfaction. But then there are some people and oh how I pray God blesses my brethren with the right amount of these type of people that are like BLACK HOLES, they are this endless void of nothingness that just sucks everything up; all of your love, vitality, energy, time, joy, and strength is just sucked right up with nothing returned and the moment you STOP going to God for those necessary things you're left dry and whorrebly sucked up.

[Chris Pang] was one of the first black holes I encountered when I started seeing myself as a true man of God. I printed out all the long conversations we would have on Facebook in order to pray, re-read, and analyze them later. I also remember meeting up with him at Dennys and it was then I started to coin the rant/term of "fireworks and black holes" in my running about. But now I say this with my joy complete to exhort my brethren who find themselves by God's sovereign will in the midst of a black hole or several of them. I grace drivenly implore this: DONT LOSE HEART, STAY FOCUSED ON THE GOSPEL, and LOVE UPON the black holes that God has placed sovereignly in your life for you to gospelize because it is NOT in vain! The following is taken from his blog after several years from our first encounter and many God glorifying dominoes that fell: 

P.S. I truebdetrueb fancy this band as they stir my affection for God. I love Gangstar Korean Indie Folk Christian for the glory of God and the final salvation of the many!

Dear One True Love,

God you are God and though life be hard and an organized messy mess, You are good. Therefore, it is forever and always well with my soul.

ready for heartwork,

Jean Patrick Fisher

Along with Love Letters to God, mini rants/spiels stirred by Holy Spirit conviction, and updates on how the God glorifying dominoes are falling in my life, I've on some occasions blogged about dreams I've had. Here are some; 

http://patman739.xanga.com/705730032/k-day/

http://patman739.xanga.com/737467901/2-dreams-and-1-letter/

Dreams are very interesting things and in light of the Gospel and how great my God is and how I know I have the Holy Spirit wondrously working beyond my finite being within me, I try to seek out God on how to view and handle any and all dreams. As a CRE, part of it is really being sensitive to the Holy Spirit in order to look at my God given dreams and hope to see them rightly while still keeping my focus and aim/goal on the Cross of Christ for His glory and the final salvation of the many. I have had dreams with John Piper(I believe 3 so far) and maybe one or two dreams with Matt Chandler. Just the other day I had a dream where I stabbed one of my best friends with a knife in a stupid duel he wanted to have. Dreams are weird, but so is life or at least my life and I know God moves in mysterious ways. I'd be a fool to glory in/on dreams, but I also think I'd be a fool to not pray over/about them. So yeah I'm not here to spiel about what I think dreams mean, I'm just here to share and record a couple. If the Holy Spirit moves you to interpret them for me please by all means do so.

I had all of these in this past month. 

Dream 1 = Freaked out dream about my church, church members, and a cult.

This dream felt more like a freaky nightmare. I have not had a nightmare since I was way younger, but my dream was about my church. There was another church that felt like a cult or a bad group that consisted of asians and they were trying to steal people from my church and cause division. Now what was so freaky about this group was that it reminded me of the neo pagean group from The Wicker Man starring Nicholas Cage(if you haven't seen it the group sacrifices people and Nicholas Cage is tricked by his wife who has been a part of the group since there marriage, he gets tortured and burned alive by a fire started by his daughter who is brainwashed into the group, and the ending of the movie has his wife and another girl in a bar trying to deceive more men to come to their island in order to repeat the cycle. Totally messed up, but here is a link to a video to get a better taste of the group http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHfv-NrPxnw&feature=related and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gZfUoWZW6A) so in my dream this group that I dreamt about reminded me and felt just like this group in the movie. So I was scared and freaking out alone in my house over this. My niece and nephew were dropped off at my house and I see the bus waiting in front of my house. I let them in and get this ominous feeling from the bus as if they were being followed/stalked so I quickly shut the door and talk to them. There dad is in the house and I find out that the kids know about the cult. I conclude that the cult enrolled one of their children into the same school as them in order to find out about my church and stalk them in order to get to me and now they know where I live. I look outside my door hole and see an eye looking back at me and start to freak out even more. They start trying to getting inside my house banging at the door. I tell kuya jason who is sitting on the couch that there is something weird going on at the front door and that he should check it out, I go into my room and then I start trying to call people like Brother Dan and talk to him because he is one of the people thinking about leaving. He doesn't pick up, but I leave a voice mail trying to plead to him not to leave and join the other church because they are a cult and are seriously bad. I go outside of my room and my cousin, niece, and nephew are no longer seen though the cult is still trying to get inside my house through the front door. I go into my backyard and see the clear blue sky and green trees and wonder why isn't the cult going through the side of my house because its easier. I finally work up the courage to leave my house and find myself driving towards a shopping area. I park and its now dark, gloomy, and feels like it just rained. I walk through the shopping area heading towards the bank/atm machine and on my way I see sister Grace, Brother Dan, and this tall white guy who is new at my church(I don't see him around anymore). They were having a meeting and have been expecting me, I join them though I don't sit down nor talk, I just hear them discuss their thoughts about the church. Brother Dan and Sister Grace decided to stay because they say something about my church that they didn't see in the cult. I depart while they are still meeting. I head towards the atm machine and as I am about to turn the corner, I know that the cult is there waiting for me in front of the machine and as I turn the corner to finally face/confront them, Ross in real life calls me and wakes me up from my dream. I wake up not able to continue where I left off in my dream, feeling as though I missed something really important, I felt freaked out and scarred yet inclined to pray all the more to my sovereign God. 

Dream 2 = Crazy dream about restaurants, running about, and sharing the gospel.

I had a lunch date with a friend. He felt like Reuben but in dreams people can always feel like multiple people at the same time. That is how my friend felt like in my dream. We were in a restaurant on the second floor when first an Asian guy walks in and sits towards the forward right of me. Then an old white man walks in and sits behind me. Finally a lady walks in and she turns out to be a cop and arrests the old man because he is actually a perverted stalker and serial killer whose been stalking the Asian guy and they were finally able to bust him for something and arrests him. The whole restaurant just watches as they arrests him and take him downstairs away. Then in my dream i time travel backward or time rewinds and the scene replays except this time when the Asian guy walks in and sits down the old man doesn't. So because something different happened and he didn't go inside, they weren't able to arrest and capture him. At first I wasn't going to do anything because I thought to myself that it didn't concern me and that I should just leave it to the cops/professionals, but then I get this strong inclination/urge to find him and capture him because I want to share with him the Gospel unlike last time and give him a second chance. So without saying a word to my friend, I just run out the door and run down stairs. I'm running around the area looking for him chasing after him and as I do this a large group of people begin to gather and help me. We all start searching for him when suddenly a white guy around my age in the group starts complaining he says, "why should we do this? He deserves to go to hell and he ought to just go there and we should just give up!" I look him face to face and knowing that people in the group are listening and even feeling as though the old man could hear me, I start rebuking him by saying how he is right that the old man does deserve to go to hell, but so does he. We are all sinners saved by grace. Then I start quoting 1 Timothy 1 where Paul tells why God saved him even though he was the foremost of all sinners. He feels convicted and I see it in his face, someone shouts saying they spot the old man and I leave him to go running after him. Eventually people start to call it quits in searching for him and I decided to look for him one more time. I find myself chasing after something, but I'm lead to two kids and a family. I have a weird conversation with them and then they drive off in their van. As I look at the back of their van driving away, I get this weird feeling as though I missed something vital/important. You know when you watch horror movies and you see something the main character doesn't and inside your like shouting "LOOK IN THE CLOSEST or HE"S THE REAL MURDERER WATCH OUT!!" well that was what I felt inside my gut. I was trying to figure it out and make sense of it and I theorized that maybe the old man was hiding in the family's van as they drove away or that they snuck him on or that the family were the real murderers and just blaming it on the old man cuz he was a pervert stalkers or that they were all accomplices. This never gets resolved and I find myself in a park where my mom is. I walk across a green grassy field to get to her where she is serving root beer and refreshments. We talk about a girl and a lunch date I was previously on in real life a couple weeks ago. After we talk, I leave and find myself driving towards a weirdly designed Shabu Shabu restuarant thats split into two parts yet one restuarant seperated by a plaza in between them. My dream ends with me visting the other side driving a couple blocks and then going through a hallway ending up on the other side again and being seated while eavesdropping on another group as to what they are ordering so I can figure out what I want to eat myself. 

Dream 3 = Funny dream about going to a church building, people close to me, and stripping.

My last dream is short and funny yet very memorable. I find myself driving to Reality L.A. although it looked more like Crossroads church building which is found in Ontario. I was with Kuya Jun(my 2nd mentor in life and the 1st Whale King) and one of my best friends, Jason Douangsanith. We went inside the church building, but we didn't join the church service. Instead we just chilled in the lobby area and talked on the couches. As we were conversing, I kept on forgetting that we were in public and so wanting to be comfortable as if I were alone in my own home, I started stripping down to my boxers. Kuya Jun and Jason said nothing to me about this and we just continued talking, but as I was stripping I would catch myself and I had to remind myself at least twice that I was in public therefore putting my clothes back on. And that was my dream. This one was short and simple yet I still feel it was significant.

I've asked people close to me how they might interpret them though I'm not to hyped up in seeking a meaning or in even thinking that there is some divine meaning, but I simply and deeply pray that God would be glorified and awesome and reveal His Will to me if He sees fit. How can I dream for the glory of God and the final salvation of the many? How can I have more of God in my sleep and dreams? How can I not waste my life?

Dear God,

Please protect and lead me in all my feelings and my thoughts because I feel and think stupid things without You; take hold of every fiber of my being even when I am in my slumber having dreams, may it all be for Your Glory and final salvation of the many. I love You. I want more of You. Sustain and incline me please, this is my plead in Your beautiful and sweet sweet Name.

love,

Jean Patrick Fisher

Dear One True Love,

Please keep me and my beloved brethren near Your heart, tis all I plead and desire. You are Everything. Whatever it costs and whatever it takes, keep us near. We need You.

love,

Jean Patrick Fisher

p.s. I''m in holy lamentations when I'm not near You; no not just me, but when we aren't near You.

Quotes from dead men of God used by His grace stir the affections of my soul for Him.

“How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!... You drove them from me, you who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasures, though not to flesh and blood; you outshine all light, yet are hidden deeper than any of the secrets in our heart; You who surpass all honor, though not in the eyes of men who see all honor in themselves....O Lord, my God, my light my wealth, my Salvation...you who are sweeter than all pleasures.”
-Augustine

“Oh I wish to devote my mouth and my heart to you...do not forsake me, for if ever I should be on my own, I would easily wreck it all.”
-Luther

“I thank Thee that this, which is a necessity of my new life, is also its greatest delight. So, I do at this hour feast on Thee.”
-Spurgeon

“O to behold the glory of Christ...Herein would I live; herein would I die; herein would I dwell in my thoughts and affections...until all things below become unto me a dead and deformed thing, no way suitable for affectionate embraces.”
-Owen

“I have at times had such delicious thoughts on the Lord I am ashamed to mention them.”
-Lawrence

Dear God,

All of [this], the way You gloriously worked in these sinful men, it stirs within me beautiful truths about You that I continually and whorrebly forget. I want to Know You. I yearn for more. I need more. I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET MORE! Because without more, all of my will die a whorreble wreck of a death. Holy Satisfied yet Holy Discontent tis my Jesus Paradox. Holy Angst.

AND I LOOK FORWARD TO DEATH BECAUSE I GET HIM IN FULL!

And I want Him in Full. I yearn! I yearn! And I yearn, BUT! Its easy to write it, but still, why don't I yearn for You like I ought to? God HELP ME! I need to NEED YOU because I truebdetrueb do need You! Help me please.

with a broken and contrite heart that is madly in love,

Jean Patrick Fisher

[Soli Deo Gloria]

Dear Abba,

I haven't been loving You as I ought, and it breaks my heart. There is a desert song for a desert soul and I'm singing it. You still love me. Oh how You love me! I want to love You more, this is my plead and need. When all that is in me is straight and my focus on isn't drugged by temporal obsessions or the air of lukewarm living, when I remember rightly Your surpassing worth and that any man can have all that this world has, but just give me Jesus. Though I be crazy bi-polar and skitzophrantic in the faith, still my soul will say, it is well for I have You and I am loved by You. You will forever and always be my One True Love.

Help me, sustain me, and incline me, forever and always,

Jean Patrick Fisher

"Flap your God given wings you whorrebly stupid duck!"

Shouting to and for Jesus Christ at the top of my God given lungs in my car with the windows down, cold air blowing, and heaters blasted all while singing/screaming awesome beautiful lyrics of praise and worship to my God greatly stirs the affections of my soul for Him and is holy therapeutic for the fibers of my being.

Unreserved, Unashamed, and Unrestricted Worship.

[It] is "spiritual bengay"

Dear One True Love,

No matter what my performance is or what the season/day/hour/circumstance may be what else can I say, but simply with a broken and contrite heart, "I love You" and I want to love You more than I do now, so much more! Ahh look! You never stop pursuing me and reminding me to remember rightly and be focused despite how many times I whorrebly forget; You press it into every fiber of my being that, I am dearly and perfectly loved by You.

Oh my God, please keep pressing it into me. Help me. I want to love You more than I do now, I really do! This is my earnest plead. I desire and crave more of this infinite You that is to be intimately had and enjoyed with joy at its fullest. You put that smile on my face when there shouldn't be any reason to smile, You knock me off my feet and make my heart skip a beat, You take my breath away, You are so close to me, You are closer than a kiss, You are close enough to raise my heart beat, You are the song that I sing and the air that I breath, forever and always You are my everything. There aren't enough words to describe it. You are mine and I am Yours. I love You because You first and infinitely more love me!

And I know to many of this world, extravagant love for You with a reckless abandonment for the pretty temporal things of this world looks to be a total waste made by a fool, but if the GOSPEL is true, which it is, then let it completely impact my damnable position under Your wrath into a redeemed life in a sweet disposition where I need You and gracefully have You. Oh the gospel! It is Your free gift that costs me my life and I have counted up the cost and You are worth it!

Therefore, I just wanted to say that I love You and it breaks my heart knowing that I don't love You as I ought and it leaves me in an ever growing beautiful awe when I see more and more how much You love me. The Gospel tells me so. I've counted up the cost and as I've said before, I shall joyfully say it again, "You are worth it and more!"

Let me run about for Your glory and the final salvation of the many. I'm running and running faster than I've ever ran before and the souls of my flip flops are feeling [it] - gospel centered living and You being the sole weight in my messy beconstifusingly grace driven tooth and nail fighting for joy life- Help me to keep running faster and faster till in Your Sovereign Will I disintegrate and my time to go Home comes because then comes my immeasurable GAIN! 

The source of my Joy is not circumstance nor performance, but it is You and You alone and though it not be easy, I shall live to demonstrate that You are worth it, even if it costs me my life!

"More of You" just thinking about it sets a fire down in my soul that I can't contain or control. I am loved by You; Jesus Christ You are my One True Love. 

And though my life and my words be imperfect and inadequate, I love You,

Jean Patrick Fisher

Dear God,

You are so near. I love You. You love me. You LOVE me! I am madly in LOVE with You. You know that [feeling] one gets when they've been in darkness for a long time and suddenly a bright light is turned on combined with being surrounded by a lot of worthless ugly then coming across something beautiful and valuable combined with being somewhere cold and alone for a long time then a comforting warm embrace from someone you dearly love combined with that first gasp of clean fresh air you take after almost drowning? [This] is what I feel when I know by Your Grace that You are near, so very near and You love ME! I just ENJOY You! And I don't want to lieand say sweet nothings by saying stuff like, "I can't stop thinking about You" because I know that I very well can, I could, and I will for some moments if not many moments AND I DON'T WANT TO! I hate that! And I love You! I love YOU! I LOVE YOU!

stand by me forever and always,

Jean Patrick Fisher

Resolve: More intimate dates with God, more love letters, and more grace driven running about till I disintegrate and the time for my departure comes for the glory of God and the final salvation of the many.

God, please help me.