March 12, 2013
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Reversed Thunder and Holy Diapason
Dear God,
Why has it been so long since I’ve been on here? Writing You a love letter on here and instead of in one of my now manys CRElbs feels ridiculously weird on a plethora of layers and levels. I’ve been running and running about like a crazy madman for these past couple years with hyper acceleration mode sprints and overdrive jumps. But Your Holy Spirit has helped me see that I’ve been needing to rest, rest in You, and to rest in way that I havent in a long time rested and through a means of grace I’ve longed missed. So now I find myself here. I feel like the Doctor entering his renewed tardis as he says, “Okay what have you got for me this time? *He opens the door steps in* Look at you, oh you sexy thing! Look at you!” *the doors close* then he goes off exploring all of time and space again. That’s how I feel. Oh by God’s grace that’s how I feel. Finally able to exhale in a way I havent done so in forever, and its through moments like this by God’s providence that allows life to most definitely hit me concerning how much has changed and is changing, both inside of me and outside. So many variables added, dropped, flipped around, and quite simply changed; unexpected outcomes to both familiar and unfamiliar equations; formulas, movements, paradoxes, pendulums, patterns, puzzles, prayers, and so much more constantly being unpacked and some still unravelling before me; new mental structures being built such as the attic of my minds end which is daily being grace drivenly filled and organized with furniture of thoughts while some mental structures are being shaken and/or destroyed by emotional earthquakes of varying proportions; unexpectedly being harped upon by my worst struggle ever thats of Olympic level which makes lust and pride look like Varisty or even JV level; seeming constants being sifted away by the winds of life and of course then there are the true and eternal constants -such as You, my Anchor, my Rock, my Joy, my Salvation, my All in All, my Most Take All, my still now and forever always One True Love- that prove themselves to stay and stick/stand, time and time again no matter the season, storm, or struggle. Every year seems to go by so much faster yet every year so much more seems to happen. Oh the weight of it all! God help me. I love it, but God help me. Cuz if You dont, I will surebdesureb wreck it all and fall under the overwhelming weight of it. The God glorifying dominoes are absolutely crazy! And I love it all, I love all of You. I really do. I really really really do. I truebdetrueb do. And I know that so much more will keep on changing. Even my speech, the way I articulate my feelings, convey my thoughts, and smith my words are constantly changing, growing, and maturing. The same is true with the souls I know and socialize with. So much keeps progressing and changing, and I know that this is how life is, but I always know not as I ought to know, but I’m knowing more and more. It’s design! You know? Well I bet You know, You [deep]ly designed it this way. Now I promised myself that if I was going to write anything on my Xanga, that I wouldnt get nostalgic, but I would focus more on just basking in everything that You are and everything that You’ve done, are doing, and will do. Oh how I love all Your “I shall”s and “I will”s! Oh how I love Your Gospel! Oh how I love You! What would I ever do without You? You captivate my thoughts and turn them from dead fruitless withered shells of nigh despair to Gospel centered soul satisfying ecstasies of syllabubs. But I’m not going to lie, seeing how so much has changed in me and my life along with how so many unpredictable things have come into being, makes me both scared and excited. Scared because I contritingly confess theres still this part of me that wants just sinfully PRETEND that I’ve laid everything down at Your feet and left it there and I’m at a peace that surpasses all understanding, but in my heart I’m still desperately trying to take it up and be in control like a hero or genius, all under the silly notion that I know better than You. HA! I’m stupid and sinful, I know. God please help me put to death that part of me. But we both know this, that everything I have is Yours! Again I love that, I adore that, and in the most explicit and real and unadulterated way I bask in such absolute truths of You, like that, for it is delicious to my starving soul; thus, I feast. Excited because in so many ways that I fail whorrebly to express, I’ve seen and felt the way You gracefully work, and I know that there’s still so much more to come. SO MUCH MORE! I ain’t seen nothing yet. This is perhaps the only time I ever find myself crying out of sheer excitement, anticipation, and trepidation, all on a sweetly holy level. I’m anxious and excited for everything You are going to do. I’m anxious so help me to repent well so that no flimsy pleasures or beautifully eloquent lies or deep dark depraved thoughts distract me from my solid joy in You. And I’m excited for what You are going to do in/through/with me. The new songs I’m going to worship You with; the new pieces of literature I’m going to read; the new things about You I’m going to intimately know and enjoy in Your Word; the new CRElbs I’m going to write; the new words I’m going to beconstifusingly absorb and salvamoxxedly smith; the new souls I’m going to intentionally socialize with and the old souls I’m going to have new memories with; the greater glimpses of Your glory and the final salvation of the many through running about, alleyooping, rest, communion, and grace driven poetic effort I’m going to behold; new exponentially ever increasing holy frustration and holy relief that I’m going to taste; the new struggles, storms, trials, and suffering I’m all going to face and by Your grace overcome; and so much more to experience. All of this is Lord Willing. But most of all, I look forward to the day I’m going to see Your face. Oh I’m going to see Your face!
“I’m not there yet so I’m reaching,
reaching for a goal, to stand before my King and be speechless.
Then, never again, will I question if his grace is
sufficient to cover my sin. Cause death is gone, and all
the effects of, evil and wrong will be conquered when His
kingdom comes. So this is my hope and my prayer. The air
that I’ll breath in eternity with lungs that never fail
me. If it pleases my Lord, and only by Your grace, use my
life till it’s poured out for Your sake. Until then I’ll
remain where You have me, with joy when I feel unhappy. And
a peace that surpasses all my understanding, my life is in
the hands of Your love everlasting.”My life in Your Hands and no place I would rather have it be. I could list all the things I’ve been blessed by starting with HCBC, my padawons, EPIC, accountability, etc. but I would not know where to end. It’s is all You! You are so undeniably in this! All of [this] wrought by the Cross of Christ totally despite me. I cannot boast in myself for I am not awesome. You are awesome. It’s all YOU! Therefore, I always find myself coming back to these words that by Your hands, have sovereignly sticked, “Soli Deo Gloria”. These words ever increasingly grow sweeter as You woo every redeemed fiber of my being and make me all the more fonder of You day after day after day. There’s still more, and I want more, I need more, more of You, please bring it!
Its For Your Beautiful Name,
J.P. Fisher
